Sometimes it’s really hard differentiating between pessimism and intuition. Of course I want things in my life to work out. I just know deep down that there’s a very small percentile of people in this world that don’t end up being pieces of shit at one time or another, even more so when they have a spotted past. What makes me different? What is it about me that will prevent their douchebaggery from surfacing? It can’t be avoided. If they’re going to fuck you over, it WILL happen. Might be tomorrow, might be years from now, but pieces of shit will not be able to hide forever. So what do I do? Half-heartedly be a part of something while I sit on edge waiting for the other shoe to drop? I can’t do that.
Now what’s the first thing I do in this situation you ask? Well I create conflict and then walk away, as always. I don’t lack faith in men; I’ve had some amazing boyfriends. I lack faith in humanity and happy endings. I have an uncanny knack for figuring out all the bad shit about someone and magnifying it until it completely outweighs all the good.
I’m so off the reservation sometimes that I’ll actually believe my train of thought is intuition instead of pessimism. Granted, I have been dead-on, intuitively, in probably 2/3 of my past relationships; I do view most people in a negative way.
I want to be that happy-go-lucky lady who swan dives into love and puts on those neat little blinders, but I can’t let some walls down. The worst example is that it took me 2 ½ years to even believe my ex-boyfriend about trivial bullshit, and that was 2 ½ years of him doing nothing but proving his love and devotion to me!
What the fuck is wrong with me? It’s not a self-image thing, or even a fear of getting hurt. I can bounce back from a break up quicker than a Britney Spears marriage. I just lack faith. It’s the worst feeling in the world. This doesn’t mean I’m not happy in relationships. I’m in a relationship right now and I couldn’t be happier, but there’s that part of me that surfaces every now and again who asks all the faithless questions.
Should I be relieved that I’ve always got one eye out for bullshit, or be frustrated that it takes me longer than anyone I know to trust someone?
Deep sea kind of love
1 comment:
WTF? How do I meet people - as random as it may seem -who think like me? eh? Fate I guess...
I have been trying to figure out my intuition lately too.... I have been royally fucked over too... hence the website.
Well I am the most god damn loyal mother F***er. I just haven't been feeling like that kind of guy anymore. Its like you give everything and the Ego of another surfaces like you say. You do your best, but now the best is never good enough for anyone.
I have pondered on even wanting to date anyone in this culture. Our culture is really really screwed up. So the pessimism is natural, because we have so little love here and laughter. I loved other countries with their problems, but more emotion was evident over the coldness of here.
So the question is - is it really you, the emotion of yourself, or the culture of others you hang around?
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